Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I FOUND THE LEGS
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
