Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
