cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
