It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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