don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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