i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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