I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize