Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
