Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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