seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
