Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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