Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
