I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
