I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
