happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
