Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
