Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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