I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
