I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
