Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
