I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
