I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
