I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
no, he came in my armpit
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
