I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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