Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize
