i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
