so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
