If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
