New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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