Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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