you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
