he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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