Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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