hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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