got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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