I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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