I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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