You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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