I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
