Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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