I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
