birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
