You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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