Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
