i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
