you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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