so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
