Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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