morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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