Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He felt like a one man threesome
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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