How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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