You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bring me that man meat
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
