Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
