nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need a burrito and a hug.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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