i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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