She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
