bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
