this boner is exhausting
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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