That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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