My friends, they love my intelligence
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
bring money and cleavage
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
