My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
