I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
