do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
