I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
